Thank you for this article. Its really good to have a word for this kind of behavior so I can check myself, as I have acted like this in the past. The advice in the ending paragraphs here is also really helpful for me outside of tenderqueerness, as I have struggled with having "friends" who I cant communicate with when theyve been very hurtful bc they always blame it on their neurodivergency. Im glad its not just me seeing it as harmful.
I love the line, "We all have the right to boundaries about how and when we engage with people, but when someone needs to tell you about a hurt you’ve created, your boundaries are no longer the priority". I wish I had heard that a year or so ago.
FINALLY. thank you. good god as someone born and raised in the bay area and a brown woman, i can say i've witnessed so much blatant racism from white tenderqueers, they tend to be transplants. these people are literally an emotional leech on the brown/black gay people that live here.
I completely feel this article & had to challenge genderqueer was in myself. Obv there’s nothing wrong with being “sensitive/vulnerable” but like someone telling you they’re disappointed with flaking on plans shouldn’t make them act like that, they just can’t accept the responsibility. Living in Portland every plan I made with some white queer went this way, it’s disappointing af. I have seen so many POC queers so over this behaviour and how white fragility is usually tied to it, but never addressed. Also these comments, like no, you can’t use someone’s BPD to invalidate their valid discussion about this topic. One of the worst “tenderqueers” I’ve ever met was someone w BPD who when confronted with a sexual assault accusation, used all that tenderqueer nonsense lingo about “needing to heal to have this conversation”, “i made space for you to non-consent“, “you the victim must seek the proper accountability processes otherwise it’s not a valid accusation” like BPD doesn’t make you “harsh/blunt” ppl with BPD can be very tenderqueer and say very convoluted things. Its just gross in general to see someone deflect accountability by saying “i dont have the spoons / space to handle this“, “my xyz mental state/disorder/condition prevents me from having this convo“ like no.
In conclusion thank you so much for speaking on this subject especially since you have BPD because people always like to use it as a way to deflect or accuse someone of being too harsh etc. I don’t have BPD but many of my loved ones do and I don’t like it being scapegoated. You very intelligently put this “tenderqueer” phenomenon into words.
you should’ve saved the lofty language and just told them to “man up.” femmes love to claim how challenging “tenderqueers” are to deal with, but have you ever considered the transphobia around that stereotype? when a masc of center queer exhibits vulnerability, femmes get ruthlessly mean. it works both ways.
Really well written, informative article. Thank you so much. I worried I might be like this because I’m sensitive but I also take responsibility for my actions, even when there’s a “good reason” for my behaviour. It was nice to hear about this from the perspective of a Black woman too, because that perspective is often left out.
I could never quite put my finger on why these people come across as emotionally manipulative and you’ve articulated why that is so fucking well for me, thank you.
"We all have the right to boundaries about how and when we engage with people, but when someone needs to tell you about a hurt you’ve created, your boundaries are no longer the priority. Especially not when the person you’ve hurt holds less privilege than you do."
sell merch, i want this on a t-shirt a hat and a tote
Thank you for this article. Its really good to have a word for this kind of behavior so I can check myself, as I have acted like this in the past. The advice in the ending paragraphs here is also really helpful for me outside of tenderqueerness, as I have struggled with having "friends" who I cant communicate with when theyve been very hurtful bc they always blame it on their neurodivergency. Im glad its not just me seeing it as harmful.
I love the line, "We all have the right to boundaries about how and when we engage with people, but when someone needs to tell you about a hurt you’ve created, your boundaries are no longer the priority". I wish I had heard that a year or so ago.
FINALLY. thank you. good god as someone born and raised in the bay area and a brown woman, i can say i've witnessed so much blatant racism from white tenderqueers, they tend to be transplants. these people are literally an emotional leech on the brown/black gay people that live here.
TW: discussion of SA
I completely feel this article & had to challenge genderqueer was in myself. Obv there’s nothing wrong with being “sensitive/vulnerable” but like someone telling you they’re disappointed with flaking on plans shouldn’t make them act like that, they just can’t accept the responsibility. Living in Portland every plan I made with some white queer went this way, it’s disappointing af. I have seen so many POC queers so over this behaviour and how white fragility is usually tied to it, but never addressed. Also these comments, like no, you can’t use someone’s BPD to invalidate their valid discussion about this topic. One of the worst “tenderqueers” I’ve ever met was someone w BPD who when confronted with a sexual assault accusation, used all that tenderqueer nonsense lingo about “needing to heal to have this conversation”, “i made space for you to non-consent“, “you the victim must seek the proper accountability processes otherwise it’s not a valid accusation” like BPD doesn’t make you “harsh/blunt” ppl with BPD can be very tenderqueer and say very convoluted things. Its just gross in general to see someone deflect accountability by saying “i dont have the spoons / space to handle this“, “my xyz mental state/disorder/condition prevents me from having this convo“ like no.
In conclusion thank you so much for speaking on this subject especially since you have BPD because people always like to use it as a way to deflect or accuse someone of being too harsh etc. I don’t have BPD but many of my loved ones do and I don’t like it being scapegoated. You very intelligently put this “tenderqueer” phenomenon into words.
you should’ve saved the lofty language and just told them to “man up.” femmes love to claim how challenging “tenderqueers” are to deal with, but have you ever considered the transphobia around that stereotype? when a masc of center queer exhibits vulnerability, femmes get ruthlessly mean. it works both ways.
Really well written, informative article. Thank you so much. I worried I might be like this because I’m sensitive but I also take responsibility for my actions, even when there’s a “good reason” for my behaviour. It was nice to hear about this from the perspective of a Black woman too, because that perspective is often left out.
I could never quite put my finger on why these people come across as emotionally manipulative and you’ve articulated why that is so fucking well for me, thank you.
"We all have the right to boundaries about how and when we engage with people, but when someone needs to tell you about a hurt you’ve created, your boundaries are no longer the priority. Especially not when the person you’ve hurt holds less privilege than you do."
sell merch, i want this on a t-shirt a hat and a tote
A lot of my issues with tenderqueers were resolved once I stopped spending time with white AFABs. once a white woman, always a white woman...
Are we still talking about tenderqueers outside 2014 Tumblr? What's next? Hipsters?