FINALLY. thank you. good god as someone born and raised in the bay area and a brown woman, i can say i've witnessed so much blatant racism from white tenderqueers, they tend to be transplants. these people are literally an emotional leech on the brown/black gay people that live here.
Thank you for this article. Its really good to have a word for this kind of behavior so I can check myself, as I have acted like this in the past. The advice in the ending paragraphs here is also really helpful for me outside of tenderqueerness, as I have struggled with having "friends" who I cant communicate with when theyve been very hurtful bc they always blame it on their neurodivergency. Im glad its not just me seeing it as harmful.
I love the line, "We all have the right to boundaries about how and when we engage with people, but when someone needs to tell you about a hurt you’ve created, your boundaries are no longer the priority". I wish I had heard that a year or so ago.
I completely feel this article & had to challenge genderqueer was in myself. Obv there’s nothing wrong with being “sensitive/vulnerable” but like someone telling you they’re disappointed with flaking on plans shouldn’t make them act like that, they just can’t accept the responsibility. Living in Portland every plan I made with some white queer went this way, it’s disappointing af. I have seen so many POC queers so over this behaviour and how white fragility is usually tied to it, but never addressed. Also these comments, like no, you can’t use someone’s BPD to invalidate their valid discussion about this topic. One of the worst “tenderqueers” I’ve ever met was someone w BPD who when confronted with a sexual assault accusation, used all that tenderqueer nonsense lingo about “needing to heal to have this conversation”, “i made space for you to non-consent“, “you the victim must seek the proper accountability processes otherwise it’s not a valid accusation” like BPD doesn’t make you “harsh/blunt” ppl with BPD can be very tenderqueer and say very convoluted things. Its just gross in general to see someone deflect accountability by saying “i dont have the spoons / space to handle this“, “my xyz mental state/disorder/condition prevents me from having this convo“ like no.
In conclusion thank you so much for speaking on this subject especially since you have BPD because people always like to use it as a way to deflect or accuse someone of being too harsh etc. I don’t have BPD but many of my loved ones do and I don’t like it being scapegoated. You very intelligently put this “tenderqueer” phenomenon into words.
you should’ve saved the lofty language and just told them to “man up.” femmes love to claim how challenging “tenderqueers” are to deal with, but have you ever considered the transphobia around that stereotype? when a masc of center queer exhibits vulnerability, femmes get ruthlessly mean. it works both ways.
Everything about this response only illustrates the problem - rather than sitting with your defensiveness you immediately move to the call out. Finding a reason for the reason might make you feel better about your own tenderness (and whatever legitimate thing cause it) but it doesn’t address the core challenge being articulated in this important post. If the world affords you the privilege of being tender - maybe it makes sense to reflect on it for once - in the interests of “humaning-up” (or whatever the appropriate term is for facing it) and steadying for the work that is in front of us. Certainly we should be able to ask that of one another?
I am not in a position to address how tenderqueeerness as construct intersects with MoC queer folks (there is a lot of racial nuance to the term MoC and I am white). However, tenderqueerness can and often does manifest as transmisogyny and I am very grateful to this article for putting into words what so many of us come up against in our earnest attempts to connect with people we love.
I've never read someone articulate this specific type of violence so well. There's a sense of like.... weaponization that make relationships w tenderqueers so stressful and itchy
Really glad to have read this (& nail down exactly what it means, and how it's different from neurospicy attempts to get by). Genuinely glad to see the way to avoid it is don't be an asshole (and imo genuinely listening to people & taking the time to think about what they're saying is part of not being an asshole).
Really well written, informative article. Thank you so much. I worried I might be like this because I’m sensitive but I also take responsibility for my actions, even when there’s a “good reason” for my behaviour. It was nice to hear about this from the perspective of a Black woman too, because that perspective is often left out.
I could never quite put my finger on why these people come across as emotionally manipulative and you’ve articulated why that is so fucking well for me, thank you.
"We all have the right to boundaries about how and when we engage with people, but when someone needs to tell you about a hurt you’ve created, your boundaries are no longer the priority. Especially not when the person you’ve hurt holds less privilege than you do."
sell merch, i want this on a t-shirt a hat and a tote
Hey there, I did not comment on this, nor have I ever even heard of you. I think someone spammed me. They didn't spell my name correctly or even put in the right email address.
Hey, as another person with BPD (though, a white person), wtf are you talking about? This article doesnt reflect BPD symptoms at all. Idek what you mean here when you say the BPD cycle. Splitting? None of this article resembles splitting lol.
shut up. having bpd doesn’t discredit or invalidate anything. and if you have bpd and have done the work to heal, you’re 10x more aware of your own behavior and of others than most other people. this just sounds like you know only the stereotypes of bpd and not what anyone who deals with it actually knows.
FINALLY. thank you. good god as someone born and raised in the bay area and a brown woman, i can say i've witnessed so much blatant racism from white tenderqueers, they tend to be transplants. these people are literally an emotional leech on the brown/black gay people that live here.
Thank you for this article. Its really good to have a word for this kind of behavior so I can check myself, as I have acted like this in the past. The advice in the ending paragraphs here is also really helpful for me outside of tenderqueerness, as I have struggled with having "friends" who I cant communicate with when theyve been very hurtful bc they always blame it on their neurodivergency. Im glad its not just me seeing it as harmful.
I love the line, "We all have the right to boundaries about how and when we engage with people, but when someone needs to tell you about a hurt you’ve created, your boundaries are no longer the priority". I wish I had heard that a year or so ago.
TW: discussion of SA
I completely feel this article & had to challenge genderqueer was in myself. Obv there’s nothing wrong with being “sensitive/vulnerable” but like someone telling you they’re disappointed with flaking on plans shouldn’t make them act like that, they just can’t accept the responsibility. Living in Portland every plan I made with some white queer went this way, it’s disappointing af. I have seen so many POC queers so over this behaviour and how white fragility is usually tied to it, but never addressed. Also these comments, like no, you can’t use someone’s BPD to invalidate their valid discussion about this topic. One of the worst “tenderqueers” I’ve ever met was someone w BPD who when confronted with a sexual assault accusation, used all that tenderqueer nonsense lingo about “needing to heal to have this conversation”, “i made space for you to non-consent“, “you the victim must seek the proper accountability processes otherwise it’s not a valid accusation” like BPD doesn’t make you “harsh/blunt” ppl with BPD can be very tenderqueer and say very convoluted things. Its just gross in general to see someone deflect accountability by saying “i dont have the spoons / space to handle this“, “my xyz mental state/disorder/condition prevents me from having this convo“ like no.
In conclusion thank you so much for speaking on this subject especially since you have BPD because people always like to use it as a way to deflect or accuse someone of being too harsh etc. I don’t have BPD but many of my loved ones do and I don’t like it being scapegoated. You very intelligently put this “tenderqueer” phenomenon into words.
Tenderqueer *** I write genderqueer too often my phone corrected to it lol
you should’ve saved the lofty language and just told them to “man up.” femmes love to claim how challenging “tenderqueers” are to deal with, but have you ever considered the transphobia around that stereotype? when a masc of center queer exhibits vulnerability, femmes get ruthlessly mean. it works both ways.
i don't think i said anything about "tenderqueer" being a gendered term? i've encountered just as many femme tenderqueers as any other kind...
Everything about this response only illustrates the problem - rather than sitting with your defensiveness you immediately move to the call out. Finding a reason for the reason might make you feel better about your own tenderness (and whatever legitimate thing cause it) but it doesn’t address the core challenge being articulated in this important post. If the world affords you the privilege of being tender - maybe it makes sense to reflect on it for once - in the interests of “humaning-up” (or whatever the appropriate term is for facing it) and steadying for the work that is in front of us. Certainly we should be able to ask that of one another?
I am not in a position to address how tenderqueeerness as construct intersects with MoC queer folks (there is a lot of racial nuance to the term MoC and I am white). However, tenderqueerness can and often does manifest as transmisogyny and I am very grateful to this article for putting into words what so many of us come up against in our earnest attempts to connect with people we love.
They didn't say anything about femme folks or trans folks or anything gendered...you are projecting your own bias
Maybe you should make an argument about something that was actually said in the article...
I've never read someone articulate this specific type of violence so well. There's a sense of like.... weaponization that make relationships w tenderqueers so stressful and itchy
Really glad to have read this (& nail down exactly what it means, and how it's different from neurospicy attempts to get by). Genuinely glad to see the way to avoid it is don't be an asshole (and imo genuinely listening to people & taking the time to think about what they're saying is part of not being an asshole).
Really well written, informative article. Thank you so much. I worried I might be like this because I’m sensitive but I also take responsibility for my actions, even when there’s a “good reason” for my behaviour. It was nice to hear about this from the perspective of a Black woman too, because that perspective is often left out.
I could never quite put my finger on why these people come across as emotionally manipulative and you’ve articulated why that is so fucking well for me, thank you.
"We all have the right to boundaries about how and when we engage with people, but when someone needs to tell you about a hurt you’ve created, your boundaries are no longer the priority. Especially not when the person you’ve hurt holds less privilege than you do."
sell merch, i want this on a t-shirt a hat and a tote
A lot of my issues with tenderqueers were resolved once I stopped spending time with white AFABs. once a white woman, always a white woman...
Damn the transphobia really jumped out there huh
it comes from white AMAB nonbinary ppl too. nobody gets a pass.
Are we still talking about tenderqueers outside 2014 Tumblr? What's next? Hipsters?
fuck my drag right?!
Hey there, I did not comment on this, nor have I ever even heard of you. I think someone spammed me. They didn't spell my name correctly or even put in the right email address.
Hey, as another person with BPD (though, a white person), wtf are you talking about? This article doesnt reflect BPD symptoms at all. Idek what you mean here when you say the BPD cycle. Splitting? None of this article resembles splitting lol.
shut up. having bpd doesn’t discredit or invalidate anything. and if you have bpd and have done the work to heal, you’re 10x more aware of your own behavior and of others than most other people. this just sounds like you know only the stereotypes of bpd and not what anyone who deals with it actually knows.