FINALLY. thank you. good god as someone born and raised in the bay area and a brown woman, i can say i've witnessed so much blatant racism from white tenderqueers, they tend to be transplants. these people are literally an emotional leech on the brown/black gay people that live here.
"We all have the right to boundaries about how and when we engage with people, but when someone needs to tell you about a hurt you’ve created, your boundaries are no longer the priority. Especially not when the person you’ve hurt holds less privilege than you do."
sell merch, i want this on a t-shirt a hat and a tote
Thank you for this article. Its really good to have a word for this kind of behavior so I can check myself, as I have acted like this in the past. The advice in the ending paragraphs here is also really helpful for me outside of tenderqueerness, as I have struggled with having "friends" who I cant communicate with when theyve been very hurtful bc they always blame it on their neurodivergency. Im glad its not just me seeing it as harmful.
I love the line, "We all have the right to boundaries about how and when we engage with people, but when someone needs to tell you about a hurt you’ve created, your boundaries are no longer the priority". I wish I had heard that a year or so ago.
I could never quite put my finger on why these people come across as emotionally manipulative and you’ve articulated why that is so fucking well for me, thank you.
I completely feel this article & had to challenge genderqueer was in myself. Obv there’s nothing wrong with being “sensitive/vulnerable” but like someone telling you they’re disappointed with flaking on plans shouldn’t make them act like that, they just can’t accept the responsibility. Living in Portland every plan I made with some white queer went this way, it’s disappointing af. I have seen so many POC queers so over this behaviour and how white fragility is usually tied to it, but never addressed. Also these comments, like no, you can’t use someone’s BPD to invalidate their valid discussion about this topic. One of the worst “tenderqueers” I’ve ever met was someone w BPD who when confronted with a sexual assault accusation, used all that tenderqueer nonsense lingo about “needing to heal to have this conversation”, “i made space for you to non-consent“, “you the victim must seek the proper accountability processes otherwise it’s not a valid accusation” like BPD doesn’t make you “harsh/blunt” ppl with BPD can be very tenderqueer and say very convoluted things. Its just gross in general to see someone deflect accountability by saying “i dont have the spoons / space to handle this“, “my xyz mental state/disorder/condition prevents me from having this convo“ like no.
In conclusion thank you so much for speaking on this subject especially since you have BPD because people always like to use it as a way to deflect or accuse someone of being too harsh etc. I don’t have BPD but many of my loved ones do and I don’t like it being scapegoated. You very intelligently put this “tenderqueer” phenomenon into words.
good essay, I like your prose. Thank you for your perspective. I hope you’re open to feedback (delete my comment if not) because there is one thing that makes me uncomfortable about this way of thinking.
I don’t like that we’re calling them tenderqueers. The behavior criticized (which is absolutely a thing that happens and thanks for calling it out) has nothing to do with being queer. We don’t dislike them because they’re queer (or tender, for the matter), we dislike them because they’re selfish and unreliable and weaponizing woke language.
In the 2000s there were a lot of straight people saying things along the lines of “there’s a difference between being a homosexual man and being a f****t!” implying that there is a category of gay man who are “flaunting it” and that this is who they refer to when they use the insult. But the insult was still homophobic. I hope I’m explaining myself! Like, I’m uncomfortable with using the word “queer” to pejoratively describe a category of people, for a behavior that has nothing to do with being queer (behavior that is objectively bad and should stop btw). I think we should name them something that indicates what the problem is. You know?
I've never read someone articulate this specific type of violence so well. There's a sense of like.... weaponization that make relationships w tenderqueers so stressful and itchy
This behavior reminds me of what I started calling “consent bros.” They would talk about women’s rights, be “all about” consent, and were the same guys you felt the need to cover your drink when hanging out around.
I learned my lesson the hard way. And yes, on the surface, it was very easy to fall for their bs. The “tenderqueer” also seems to have a lot of overlap with toxic positivity spiritualism.
(And yes, I know my name is unfortunate in context of this article, funny but unfortunate lol)
Really glad to have read this (& nail down exactly what it means, and how it's different from neurospicy attempts to get by). Genuinely glad to see the way to avoid it is don't be an asshole (and imo genuinely listening to people & taking the time to think about what they're saying is part of not being an asshole).
you should’ve saved the lofty language and just told them to “man up.” femmes love to claim how challenging “tenderqueers” are to deal with, but have you ever considered the transphobia around that stereotype? when a masc of center queer exhibits vulnerability, femmes get ruthlessly mean. it works both ways.
Everything about this response only illustrates the problem - rather than sitting with your defensiveness you immediately move to the call out. Finding a reason for the reason might make you feel better about your own tenderness (and whatever legitimate thing cause it) but it doesn’t address the core challenge being articulated in this important post. If the world affords you the privilege of being tender - maybe it makes sense to reflect on it for once - in the interests of “humaning-up” (or whatever the appropriate term is for facing it) and steadying for the work that is in front of us. Certainly we should be able to ask that of one another?
I am not in a position to address how tenderqueeerness as construct intersects with MoC queer folks (there is a lot of racial nuance to the term MoC and I am white). However, tenderqueerness can and often does manifest as transmisogyny and I am very grateful to this article for putting into words what so many of us come up against in our earnest attempts to connect with people we love.
Really well written, informative article. Thank you so much. I worried I might be like this because I’m sensitive but I also take responsibility for my actions, even when there’s a “good reason” for my behaviour. It was nice to hear about this from the perspective of a Black woman too, because that perspective is often left out.
That line about co-opting the language of the oppressed and using it to treat people like garbage. Is absolute gold and perfectly expressed something I have experienced. Thank you.
All the different ways people, from all spectrums of life, can learn defense mechanisms to not consider others and treat them flat out cruel.
FINALLY. thank you. good god as someone born and raised in the bay area and a brown woman, i can say i've witnessed so much blatant racism from white tenderqueers, they tend to be transplants. these people are literally an emotional leech on the brown/black gay people that live here.
"We all have the right to boundaries about how and when we engage with people, but when someone needs to tell you about a hurt you’ve created, your boundaries are no longer the priority. Especially not when the person you’ve hurt holds less privilege than you do."
sell merch, i want this on a t-shirt a hat and a tote
Thank you for this article. Its really good to have a word for this kind of behavior so I can check myself, as I have acted like this in the past. The advice in the ending paragraphs here is also really helpful for me outside of tenderqueerness, as I have struggled with having "friends" who I cant communicate with when theyve been very hurtful bc they always blame it on their neurodivergency. Im glad its not just me seeing it as harmful.
I love the line, "We all have the right to boundaries about how and when we engage with people, but when someone needs to tell you about a hurt you’ve created, your boundaries are no longer the priority". I wish I had heard that a year or so ago.
I could never quite put my finger on why these people come across as emotionally manipulative and you’ve articulated why that is so fucking well for me, thank you.
TW: discussion of SA
I completely feel this article & had to challenge genderqueer was in myself. Obv there’s nothing wrong with being “sensitive/vulnerable” but like someone telling you they’re disappointed with flaking on plans shouldn’t make them act like that, they just can’t accept the responsibility. Living in Portland every plan I made with some white queer went this way, it’s disappointing af. I have seen so many POC queers so over this behaviour and how white fragility is usually tied to it, but never addressed. Also these comments, like no, you can’t use someone’s BPD to invalidate their valid discussion about this topic. One of the worst “tenderqueers” I’ve ever met was someone w BPD who when confronted with a sexual assault accusation, used all that tenderqueer nonsense lingo about “needing to heal to have this conversation”, “i made space for you to non-consent“, “you the victim must seek the proper accountability processes otherwise it’s not a valid accusation” like BPD doesn’t make you “harsh/blunt” ppl with BPD can be very tenderqueer and say very convoluted things. Its just gross in general to see someone deflect accountability by saying “i dont have the spoons / space to handle this“, “my xyz mental state/disorder/condition prevents me from having this convo“ like no.
In conclusion thank you so much for speaking on this subject especially since you have BPD because people always like to use it as a way to deflect or accuse someone of being too harsh etc. I don’t have BPD but many of my loved ones do and I don’t like it being scapegoated. You very intelligently put this “tenderqueer” phenomenon into words.
Tenderqueer *** I write genderqueer too often my phone corrected to it lol
good essay, I like your prose. Thank you for your perspective. I hope you’re open to feedback (delete my comment if not) because there is one thing that makes me uncomfortable about this way of thinking.
I don’t like that we’re calling them tenderqueers. The behavior criticized (which is absolutely a thing that happens and thanks for calling it out) has nothing to do with being queer. We don’t dislike them because they’re queer (or tender, for the matter), we dislike them because they’re selfish and unreliable and weaponizing woke language.
In the 2000s there were a lot of straight people saying things along the lines of “there’s a difference between being a homosexual man and being a f****t!” implying that there is a category of gay man who are “flaunting it” and that this is who they refer to when they use the insult. But the insult was still homophobic. I hope I’m explaining myself! Like, I’m uncomfortable with using the word “queer” to pejoratively describe a category of people, for a behavior that has nothing to do with being queer (behavior that is objectively bad and should stop btw). I think we should name them something that indicates what the problem is. You know?
I've never read someone articulate this specific type of violence so well. There's a sense of like.... weaponization that make relationships w tenderqueers so stressful and itchy
Eating this up with a fork and knife rn, I’ve lived in Portland for the last decade and I swear it’s where tenderqueers were invented
californius, oaklandium is killing me. this was so well written!
This behavior reminds me of what I started calling “consent bros.” They would talk about women’s rights, be “all about” consent, and were the same guys you felt the need to cover your drink when hanging out around.
I learned my lesson the hard way. And yes, on the surface, it was very easy to fall for their bs. The “tenderqueer” also seems to have a lot of overlap with toxic positivity spiritualism.
(And yes, I know my name is unfortunate in context of this article, funny but unfortunate lol)
Thank you for writing this
Really glad to have read this (& nail down exactly what it means, and how it's different from neurospicy attempts to get by). Genuinely glad to see the way to avoid it is don't be an asshole (and imo genuinely listening to people & taking the time to think about what they're saying is part of not being an asshole).
Are we still talking about tenderqueers outside 2014 Tumblr? What's next? Hipsters?
you should’ve saved the lofty language and just told them to “man up.” femmes love to claim how challenging “tenderqueers” are to deal with, but have you ever considered the transphobia around that stereotype? when a masc of center queer exhibits vulnerability, femmes get ruthlessly mean. it works both ways.
i don't think i said anything about "tenderqueer" being a gendered term? i've encountered just as many femme tenderqueers as any other kind...
Everything about this response only illustrates the problem - rather than sitting with your defensiveness you immediately move to the call out. Finding a reason for the reason might make you feel better about your own tenderness (and whatever legitimate thing cause it) but it doesn’t address the core challenge being articulated in this important post. If the world affords you the privilege of being tender - maybe it makes sense to reflect on it for once - in the interests of “humaning-up” (or whatever the appropriate term is for facing it) and steadying for the work that is in front of us. Certainly we should be able to ask that of one another?
They didn't say anything about femme folks or trans folks or anything gendered...you are projecting your own bias
I am not in a position to address how tenderqueeerness as construct intersects with MoC queer folks (there is a lot of racial nuance to the term MoC and I am white). However, tenderqueerness can and often does manifest as transmisogyny and I am very grateful to this article for putting into words what so many of us come up against in our earnest attempts to connect with people we love.
Maybe you should make an argument about something that was actually said in the article...
Really well written, informative article. Thank you so much. I worried I might be like this because I’m sensitive but I also take responsibility for my actions, even when there’s a “good reason” for my behaviour. It was nice to hear about this from the perspective of a Black woman too, because that perspective is often left out.
That line about co-opting the language of the oppressed and using it to treat people like garbage. Is absolute gold and perfectly expressed something I have experienced. Thank you.
All the different ways people, from all spectrums of life, can learn defense mechanisms to not consider others and treat them flat out cruel.
This was incredible. Had me nodding hard from start to finish