The Hot Knife
cw: In-depth discussion of self-harm & related injuries ahead. Also contains images of skin cutting.
I was never a cutter. The nature of the pain wasn’t immediate or violent enough for me. Also, as a bleeder, it would’ve been a hard habit to hide.
My medium was burning and even though I haven’t done it in years, I remember my ritual well.
Light the lighter, let it burn as long as I could, then press the hot glowing metal into my flesh.
The sharp searing sensation instantly cleared my mind and for that moment, the mess inside my head would shut up.
As the shame of having hurt myself once again overtook me, the uniquely disgusting healing process began. The blister (which I inevitably popped), the puss, the open view to the inside layers of my skin, the scab, and finally the scar. Almost like the gruesome stages of the wound reflected my feelings about what I’d done.
Every time, I’d promise myself this one was the last time. Until it wasn’t anymore.
I was probably 13 the first time I hurt myself and I didn’t stop until college. It was around that time that I started deliberately seeking out releases for the masochism that lived in me.
I’m not gonna sit here and say S/M cured me of my need to self-harm, but one faded away as the other came into focus, and I find that interesting.
How is the pain that brings me to the heights of ecstasy different than the pain that I needed in the depths of despair? If they are both “painful,” why is one a radical celebration of joy, and the other a shameful secret? And most vexing, is one an extension of the other?
The very smart & talented David Davis wrote about this very question in their newsletter this week, and it inspired me / gave me the confidence to ask these questions of myself.
You see, I was deliberately cut for the first time this week. The incomparable Cat Gold (featured here before in my Mommy-festo) and I planned and executed my first carving scene and of course, I loved it.
The razor-sharp scalpel burning a trail across my flesh. The feeling of my skin parting and opening up for someone to make an entry point just for them. The blood— slowly making its way to the surface in a languorous reveal, pooling into crimson puddles, morphing and changing textures, and finally lovingly smeared across my leg.
A sacred offering, only revealed by the edge of a knife. It was one of the most devotional acts I’ve ever participated in and I can’t wait for my next time.
And it was nothing like when I used to hurt myself.
My self-injury was always an act of desperation. When my depression/anxiety/etc reached such a fever pitch that nothing could touch them, that’s when I would burn. I NEEDED that pain, not because it felt good, but because I HAD to feel something other than the furious pain inside me.
When I think about my masochism, I NEED that pain too, but the need is different. It is joyful, abundant, pleasure-driven, and most importantly— without remorse.
Even now, all these years later, when I think about my history of self-harm, the overriding emotion I feel is shame— shame, sadness, and regret.
That has nothing to do with my masochism.
I felt forced to hurt myself by the immediate and overwhelming nature of my mental illness. By contrast, I *choose* the pain my lovers give to me, I *choose* to suffer for them, and in return— I am rewarded with their pride & appreciation.
I’ve never been big on BDSM as a healing process. Not to say that it can’t be used as such, that’s just not what it’s about for me. That said, I do believe a transmutation has occurred here. I once sought out physical sensations of pain to mask my mental anguish, now I seek those sensations as a pathway to pleasure.
Would I have discovered that I love pain if I’d never started hurting myself? I think so but I truly have no idea.
Is there a correlation between those of us with a history of self-harm and S/M enthusiasts? Possibly!
Do I think the hot knife of a scalpel in my lover’s hands, painting pictures with my bright blood across my willing flesh is scratching the same itch as my adolescent/young adult self-branding sessions? Unequivocally, no.
I chose that because I felt I had no other choice.
I choose this because I love it, that’s answer enough for me.
Thank you.