Is It Casual Now?
How Cruising Taught Me Not to Fall In Love With Everyone.
When I fall, I fall pretty hard. I’m not talking about crushes, I have a new crush every time I see a hot babe. I’m talking about lowering my walls and really letting someone in.
For better or for worse, something that historically causes me to fall, is a really great scene. If you can get me to really sink into subspace, inspire me to be the best girl for you, stretch the boundaries of my pain-processing abilities— well, there’s a good chance I’m gonna get attached.
“If it feels good, do it” has been my guiding ethos since I was a teenager, so when I discover someone who can make me feel good (or bad in order to feel good— SM is confusing), it’s easy to just dive in. Even if they’re not particularly worthy of my time, attention, and energy; if they’re a good top, I’m about it. This is how in the past I found myself in protracted situationships with people I didn’t even like that much.
Especially back when I was too scared to go after the people I really wanted. Pretty much all that was required to get me was displayed interest and the ability to make me cum.
The pushing 50 “Daddy” (first one I ever had) had a huge dick, rope skills, a ton of toys, and was game to introduce me to just about anything I wanted to explore. So I ignored the fact that he also didn’t eat vegetables, rarely left the house, was probably lying to me about his “understanding” with his girlfriend… you get it. The last time I saw him he fell asleep while going down on me and I finally decided I’d had enough.
There were a string of married folks before I figured out how to be “ethically” non-monogamous, none of whom treated me particularly well but all of whom made me feel good.
I can thankfully say I’ve moved beyond that pattern, but I know the ingredients are still there to make me fall for folks I have no business wanting to be with.
Because I know this about myself, I have to know how deep I can let myself go depending on my relationship to my top. It hasn’t been the easiest skill to develop, and it’s not always the most fun way to play, but it’s the best way for me.
Since I’m not “attached” to anyone at the moment, a lot of the play I’ve been doing has been pretty casual. When I say casual, I don’t mean without care and intention— as a Relationship Anarchist I try to imbue all of my interactions with care and intention— I just mean I haven’t gone as deep as I can.
If pain/intensity exist on a scale of 1 - 10, lately I’ve been keeping things around a 6 or a 7.
At my birthday play party a few weeks ago I got triple-teamed by a trio of sadists. Though I was definitely feeling a little floaty afterwards— with the bruises to prove it, I definitely had one foot on the ground at all times.
I do remember how it feels to play with reckless abandon. To extract everything you’ve got to offer, put it on a platter, and present it to your top.
A couple years ago, I wrote about how I wasn’t ready to give myself completely to someone, but now I’d say it’s less out of fear and more because I know where it can lead. If I give myself to you entirely, I’m gonna want to be yours, and I’ve learned that the gift of entirety simply isn’t appropriate to every interaction.
If you had asked me 10+ years ago when my life was a lot more vanilla than it is now, “are you good at “casual” interactions?” I would’ve said yes but that mostly would’ve been because that’s what was available to me. Truthfully though, I was always internally (or in private to my friends) extremely attached to these situationships. I just didn’t have the agency to communicate my needs and ask for what I wanted, and then bow out if those things weren’t on offer.
Leather— which is not just a personal practice but a community value, has taught me how to both temper my own investment in people and to ask for what I want from those who I choose to invest in.
Negotiating play teaches us how to identify what we want and name what we’re available for. Without these skills, it’s really hard to be a good top OR bottom, and with them you can literally live your fantasies.
If I’m at a party, cruising for scenes, someone expresses interest in me, and we negotiate a scene— I don’t have to give them everything I’ve got. In fact I can’t. I’m sure there are folks out there who put their all into all of their play, regardless of it being “casual” or not. Who can give every bit of themselves every time, but most Leatherqueers I know match the intensity of their play to the intensity of their relationship with their play partners.
Before I learned how to calibrate how much of myself to give, I felt like I had to decide right away how interested I was in someone. Cruising, and by association Leathersex has taught me that I’m always an active participant in getting what I want and that I can in fact choose how hard to fall.